The Psychology of "Unfriending"

On Facebook there is a feature which allows users to remove people from their list of friends, dubbed by users as "unfriending". I wish Facebook would enhance this feature. Unfriending someone is childish and cowardly. It allows people to silently end a friendship without having to confront the offender (or victim, as the case may be). Such a tool is used primarily for petty and emotional purposes and rarely for logical reasons.

I consider myself quite fortunate. Despite my controversial nature, my list of friends has been steadily growing. There have been a few casualties on the way up, but I can count them on one hand. In no case was I unfriended by someone I had any emotional connections to (that I've noticed anyway). While I don't miss them, I can't help but wonder what the catalyst was. Such things are important to know. Why? When you run a business, and customers drop away, you try to identify the cause in order to improve your business. I regard social networking friendships, blog subscribers, etc. in the same fashion. My goal is to generate discussion on difficult topics, while not driving people away. It would be nice to identify the exact post or cause of such an extreme action.



It's silly really. I hear stories of people getting unfriended after a spat with their spouse, or because they become friends with someone the other friend doesn't like. People also unfriend because they misinterpret the written word, which is necessarily brief, blunt and bereft of body language. In 99% of cases, unfriending is a psychological issue, e.g. hurt feelings, anger, insecurity.

I have never personally unfriended anyone. If I have an issue with someone (which is rare and hasn't happened on Facebook), I generally try to talk to them. More often than not, it's a simple misunderstanding. I have found through previous confrontations that such misunderstandings often lead to friendship. Yes, I have made friends with acquaintances simply by confronting a problem (albeit, these confrontations were in person, not via messages, which lack emotion and are easy to ignore).

Many people are easily offended. The slightest disagreement with their political, religious or other sentiments can result in immediate "unfriending". Unfriending for this reason is a direct result of insecurity. It doesn't make you look good if you do this. Call me arrogant, but if I'm unfriended due to mere controversy, I regard the unfriender as insecure and feel a sense of superiority over them. Maybe they unfriended me for other reason that was more noble, but if they don't tell me why, I assume they didn't want me to know (cowardly).

In the remote chance I were genuinely offended (hasn't happened yet), I still wouldn't unfriend someone. Eventually they will notice and most likely will feel hurt or angry. Why do I want to do that to someone? Will they be less hurt if I silently removed them without confronting them? Not likely. People are so afraid of confronting other people, they'd rather cowardly unfriend them and hope they won't notice--something I never quite understood.

I think Facebook should implement a change to the unfriend feature. Stop letting people wuss out. Facebook should require you to give a reason for ending the friendship and notify the "ex-friend". Of course, people will lie, but at least it will give them pause if they know their friend will be notified.

There is something else Facebook can do to prevent reactionary unfriending. Why not make the "Hide" feature more obvious so users will know it's there? I mean, unless you happen to hover over the top far right edge of the post, it's completely invisible. If you hide someone from your feed, you won't see their posts anymore. Therefore, they won't offend you or clutter your stream with garbage. Yes, they can still comment on your status, but at least this is real dialogue. No cowardice in that.

Other opinions:

Friendship and Burgers

Unfriend: Not a simple verb by any means

Why I Didn't Give Up Facebook for Lent